Taking a Job I Wasn't Ready For

Walking in my woods I was starting to sing a favorite hymn...but my voice unexpectedly cracked and gave out.  A few similar tries later, I was unnerved.  "Oh, no," I wondered, "what if I can't sing again?"  But almost immediately I became aware of a deeper, wiser voice within me: "Isn't the vocal cord a muscle?  Well, muscles can be strengthened, right?!" 

It was 2020 when I lost my voice.   

This was a problem.  Not just because I like singing out loud in the woods, but because I was starting a new call as an associate pastor after selling my house and moving to a different state.  Even more so, because I'd discovered that I'd lost my voice in another way.  I'd lost my confidence, too.  

The causes were, in part, related to experiences I've had working as a pastor, some would call them traumatic experiences.  As a result, I asked doubtfully, "Can I do this?  Can I work at a big church in a new city?"   I wish I could say that that deeper, wiser voice again said, "Isn't confidence a muscle?  Can't you exercise it, too?!"  If it did, I didn't hear it as clearly.  But I did write things out in my journal, and talked with my sister.  I took the call thinking, "I could always quit."

But I didn't quit, though there were times that I considered it.  Seriously.  And I felt overwhelmed.  Frequently.  Curiously enough being overwhelmed-though I hate to admit it-was just what I needed to get my voice and my confidence back.  As a pastor it was part of my job description, if you will, to try new things, struggle, try again, get support, strategize and try again.  Oh, and go to more meetings than I've ever gone to in the past!  

Yet while this on-going associate-pastor work was happening, something deeper was happening, too. Besides being called to the usual work of a pastor, I was called to "support the staff, to listen and to bring healing."  These specifics are the very heart of what I'm called to as a pastor, and as a human being. Regarding my work and regarding me, the senior pastor, Dave, has said to me a number of times, "Be your self."   This powerful invitation, along with substantial challenges, has helped me to strengthen my voice in almost every way imaginable.  So much so, that my physical voice has healed and I'm singing out loud in the woods again.  And my confidence, once lost, has been found.

A Happy-Curious Experiment:  

Below is a photo of me soon after preaching recently (Sunday, February 6, 2022).  I'm glad I took this photo because I was happy after preaching and it shows.  Many happy-curious experiments have led to this remarkable moment.  For now I will mention one: writing.  

Accepting this new church job meant, of course, that I'd be preaching; but that was one of the things that I wasn't sure I could do anymore. So when it came time to preach I decided to write out my sermons (something I'd not done for years).  Writing a sermon makes me think about what I want to say and how I want to say it, evolving through seemingly endless rounds of: Write.  Edit.  Delete.  Repeat.  It turns out that writing my sermons has been a powerful way for me to work on my voice and confidence.   

Something, or rather Someone, nudged me to write my sermons again.  I believe it was the same Someone who nudged me to start singing a bit every day to strengthen my vocal cords, and to accept my new, overwhelming call in the first place.  

If you've lost your voice or confidence, you might try these happy-curious experiments.

1. Try writing something.  A poem, a letter to your Self, a journal, a sentence, or a single word.  To start with write with no editing and no thought to who might read it.  Just be your Self as you write and see what happens.

2. This TedTalk addresses building the skill of confidence with 3 real strategies.  Check it out and try out one or more of his strategies to grow the skill of confidence your Self.

The Skill of Self-Confidence